Friday, January 4, 2008

The Hunt Begins

The term "bi-polar" takes on many meanings. Unfortunately, it doesn't begin to explain its definition. For the past few years I've been trying to avoid the stigmas, the stereotypes and the judgements that have been attached to this term over the short years it's been in use - I've run out of places to hide. I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to murder the bad juju it brings to the minds of each person from whose tongue it rolls off of or whose ears it drifts into. I don't believe I've felt so insecure about being sick as I am now that I'm well. There's something inherently wrong about that, and I'm the only one who can right it.
This comes after two days of being told after 7 years of being diagnosed and treated that a) I'm not "healthy" b) I'll most likely be on disability for the rest of my days c) I don't deserve the medicine I need for ADD because of past indiscretions resulting from bad choices made under the influence of this disease.
I have come to know myself as an individual who has been healed; I have found a woman I want to spend my life with, and I realize my potential. Funny, after all of that...this is when my mental health is being questioned more than ever.
Perhaps it's not that it's being questioned more. Perhaps it's that when you have nothing to lose the opinions of others don't make any significant difference in the way you live your life. Well, I have much to lose these days. I have years of hard work at stake; I have a career and an education yet to gain, and I have a great love from a woman I admire, respect and hold dear and close to my heart. It's time for action. It's time to take the "qualified" out of the pole postion and into their in their place - behind me or beside me, but never before me.
I've heard stories of people being told they have weeks only to turn around to live and grow old with the knowledge that a p an h and a d behind someones name does not rank them clairvoyant or devine in any way. I will find others who have beat the ticker so to speak. I will find and write every resource available to tell potential friends, employers, educators and lovers that the tag "bi-polar" isn't only wrong in can be a blessing instead of the dreaded curse it's become 'known' to be.
It's time to rise above, and I'm up for it (but not too far 'up'...heh). I do still retain my sense of humor. Hopefully it will be appreciated here as it is...just me - not as "Having two poles; used especially of nerve cells in which the branches project from two usually opposite points." ( The hunt for the bi-polar bear that's been stalking me has begun. I hope to learn as well as educate along the way.